Dysfunctional Thoughts: 20170822 – On Winners and Losers

Situation

I label myself as losers, when comparing with others’ performance and became lethargic

Emotion – Pre

  1. Worth less – 85%
  2. Envy – 70%

Automatic Thoughts

  1. I am worth less than others: all or nothing
  2. My hardwork are meaningless: all or nothing
  3. It should be better to do nothing instead of losing: all or nothing, emotional reasoning
  4. I better enjoy myself doing nothing instead of hardworking and losing out: future

Rational Thoughts

  1. I don’t have everything, and don’t need to have everything to be worthy, when I feel enough and can enjoy seeing others succeed is really a blessing
  2. I enjoy my hardwork and their results, and even sometimes their failures are also enjoyable, I learnt in working hard
  3. Doing nothing is not an ounce enjoyable, I enjoy working, without the stress would be better, but I can’t always got what I want, it’s part of the package
  4. Enjoy the work and the results, accept others success as part of enjoyment. I am to be happy with what I am, happy in improving and working and happy in seeing others getting happiness.

Emotion – Post

  1. Worthless – 20%
  2. Envy – 10%

Cope

  1. I’m here to be
    1. happy of my life given by God,
    2. happy to be working,
    3. happy to be enjoying result of my work,
    4. happy to make others happy,
      1. happy `ato see others gaining happiness
Advertisements

Dysfunctional Thoughts: 2018 02 22 – On People Leaving

Situation

One of my team leave and I feel sad and hopeless

Emotion – Pre

  1. Sad – 90%
  2. Worthless – 80%

Automatic Thoughts

  1. I fail on keeping my team onboard: generalization
  2. I am a failure: magnification, all or nothing
  3. I am worthless: emotional reasoning, personalization
  4. I’ll have a miserable life: futurist, magnification

Rational Thoughts

  1. It’s ok to be sad when people leaving, in this case, it’s for a better place and opportunity, good for them and I wish them well
  2. I don’t fail on keeping relationship, though the business is in challenging condition right now, it’s just opportunity conditions
  3. People can’t be around forever, but I still maintain good relationship and it’s selfish to ask for that.
  4. My self worth have nothing to do with this, it’s not all about me, it’s about everyone involved
  5. Their life will go on forward and I hope them for the best, and so do I, I’ll keep on going forward and see the experience and relationship as good memories to keep, not just work related.

Emotion – Post

  1. Sad – 50% but it’s ok it’ll subside in time
  2. Worthless – 0%

Cope

  1. I can’t cope with being sad when people that I have connection with, leave. I can only receive, let the sadness subside, let go and wish them best of life
  2. For feeling worthless: just do this routine

Dysfunctional Thoughts: 2018 02 21 – On Failed Confrontation/Negotiation

Situation

The discussion ended wihtout achieving my goal and I felt lethargy like

Emotion – Pre

  1. Helpless – 90%

Automatic Thoughts

  1. I fail in this negotiation – all or nothing
  2. I am not good enough to solve them – generalization, personalization
  3. I am incompetent – magnification
  4. People won’t appreciate me – emotional reasoning
  5. I’ll be useless and without meaning – emotional reasoning

Rational Thoughts

  1. We got some things through so it’s not a total loss, and we win some and lose some in any discussion/confrontation/negotiation.
  2. I hit some and I miss some so celebrate on what hit and learn from what I missed
  3. Some problems are beyond my control so that’s all there is. Whether people appreciate or not appreciate me are beyond my control and I shouldn’t base my life on it
  4. I am useful in some area of life in running the company, day to day operation, building the team and I’m work in progress and I learn. Couldn’t expect more out of me, learn, do and share.

Emotion – Post

  1. Helpless – 10%

Cope

  1. I win some and lose some, I can learn more and the condition couldn’t be better

Dysfunctional Thoughts: 2018 02 18 – On Expectation on Children

Situation

Anger, disappointment and contempt when dealing with children with performance under expectation, the thoughts leads to negatives actions, subtle and front action

Emotion – Pre

  1. Disappointment: 80%
  2. Anger: 85%

Automatic Thoughts

  1. Why can’t he figure that out after being … ? (Explained, trained several times, repeated, …) – Control, Generalization. Magnification
  2. How can he cope later when he grow up and performing sub par? – Crystal Ball?
  3. If he fail then I failed? – Personalization
  4. Why should he succeed? We should all succeed, we as me and my family – Should?

Rational Thoughts

  1. Generalization
    1. He did understand other fields, just not strong on the logic field
    2. He did understand after several repetition on those fields he is not accustomed with, he got good grades after trying so hard
    3. He did try to learn and even show self correcting on his failures
    4. He is strong in memorizing languages and had extensive vocabulary, relentless effort are a big PLUS
    5. He is tidy and clean and follow rules
  2. Magnification
    1. Just several fields not all of them, there are so many aspects of life where people even succeed, 90% of them are not logic type and have stellar performance but manage to pull through life
  3. Control & Personalization
    1. By being angry and try to control him, I won’t change him, I just force him to do things which are not effective
    2. His life is his life, I can only support and spend effort on training and directing him, the rest is his will and decission
    3. His performance whether good or bad doesn’t affected me directly, though it would make me proud if he can do great things, but even if he failed then it is okay, human and myself failed from time to time and it is the get up and try again that matters not just the ups nor the down
  4. Should
    1. I can’t even guarantee my own life will be successful, how can I guarantee others, even though I care for them, they are beyond my control.
    2. What is the measure of success that I want him to achieve? Smart, eloquent, bright, witty? He have some of them but not the others, myself included, the other kids included. Success when I can understand about myself and grow myself, developing on strength and reducing weakness are nice to have but it should be #999, #1 is exploring strength and #2 cultivating strength

Emotion – Post

  1. Disappointment: 0%
  2. Anger: 0%

Cope

  1. #1 Eye in on strength and spend the largest effort on cultivating them
  2. Appreciate him as a person with multidimensional capacity and whole wide of fields are open before him
  3. #999 – On weaknesses tolerate and perform the routine for repetition, don’t sweat it, different people have different way some fast some slow, some repeat

Dysfunctional Thoughts: 2018 02 08 – On Pressuring Employee

Situation

  1. I am reluctant in pressuring my team to do what I want, I currently monitor and tell them if they missed their job, but I feel can’t fully give them accountability for their job and this hinder my effectiveness also.
  2. My way of pressuring them is by questioning them whether they have do that, but it became overwhelming and if I missed them some works not get completed.
  3. Should I be more assertive and clear in assigning responsibility/accountability and demand quality work, instead of micro managing
  4. I don’t want they to feel bad or think me as bad and pushy

Emotion – Pre

  1. Frustrated – 70%
  2. Angry – 60%
  3. Overwhelmed – 70%

Automatic Thoughts

  1. The don’t have a sense of responsibility like I do: mind reading, overgeneralization
  2. They will resign if they are overwhelmed: mind reading

Rational Thoughts

  1. People can take up the challenge if they are given the opportunity and have clear understanding of their responsibility and guideline of how to do it
  2. Not all people resign when given responsibilities, some flourish and some may not and will resign. Resign is an acceptable solution in the case of the later.

Emotion – Post

  1. Frustrated – 20%
  2. Angry – 0%
  3. Overwhelmed – 10%

Cope

  1. Create organisation chart and guideline,
  2. Document and communicate to all related parties
  3. Review based on responsibility and result
  4. Need to reprogram habit of micromanaging, by doing routine 5x simulation of Stop Reacting with Micromanaging and switch to
    1. Whose Responsibility is it
    2. Did they know it is their Responsibility: Let them Know and Set Expectation – Communicate to all related parties (operator and manager)
    3. Did they know how to Solve it: Give the guideline and pointer on how to do it to all related parties (operator and manager)
    4. Make sure Responsibility and Guideline are documented.

Dysfunctional Thoughts: 2018 02 08 – On Internal Project VS Client Project

Situation
1. I can deliver and feel in control when working on client projects, I can focus on what to do and accomplished them within time and resource
2. I felt overwhelmed for our own internal project, feel paralyzed when looking the big works that needed to be done

Emotion – Pre
1. Overwhelmed 80%
2. Anxious 70%

Automatic Thoughts
1. My work should be perfect because its my own, while client project are objective oriented. All of Nothing
2. I have to do everything myself and think of the big plan upto the smallest detail. Control. Should
3. I have only a very limited time and a lot of work.
4. If I don’t do them all the result are lackluster. Discarding positives.

Rational Thoughts
1. My work should also be objective oriented, there is no such thing as perfect work
2. I don’t have to work on everything, I can trust and delegate to others, I have the resources to delegate or hire what I need. I can focus on critical aspect and maintain focus and results evaluation. Thats how big work get accomplished. I can still work on the critical if I have the time and want to
3. I can’t expect everything to work perfectly and they didn’t have to, but the critical spot should be laser focused, my challange is to identify, focus and pivot as necessary
4. People around me are better on others things that I am not good at. They even can surpass me anytime

Emotion – Post
1. Overwhelmed 40%
2. Anxious 40%

Cope
1. Objective oriented and use time constraint
2. Focus on critical and delegate others
3. Planning and evaluation routine
4. Provide time to do some critical works

Dysfunctional Thoughts: 2018 02 04 – On Annoying and Anxious Inducing People

Situation
Some people act very annoyingly and making me and my team feel anxious everytime they comment on anything

Emotion – Pre
Anger 60%
Anxious 80%

Automatic Thoughts – Hot Thoughts
1. These stupid incompetent people, they didn’t know what they’re doing.
2. They exaggerating small things and didn’t focus on the key factors
3. Our effort to provide responsive support are being undermined and they are making our work even harder for the sake of fulfilling their non sensical demands
4. They should just sit still, and let us do the work.

Rational Thoughts – Cool Thoughts
1. They don’t know everything, just the same like me and everyone else, they don’t have to understand everything. They have tried to understand and in their best effort try to communicate and feel frustrated also
2. They are frustrated by all the small things also and need to see resolution and reassurred that things are moving forward
3. They are actually waiting and starting to get frustrated after some time and give “reactions” after that, I need to provide them latest status and progresses
4. They want to work and want to help but don’t know better

Emotion – Post
Anger 20%
Anxious 20%

Cope
1. Identify their frustration level and cause
2. Provide ease for their frustration by giving response of empathy and solution

Dysfunctional Thoughts: 2018 02 02 – On Retaining People

Situation
Team resign symptoms or request

Emotion Pre
Anxious 80%

Automatic Thoughts 
1. We’re not good enough – Discarding Positives
2. They are leaving / abandon us – Mind Reading

Rational Thoughts
1. There are so many places with each good and bads, we’re not perfect but we’re doing our best and fix things up and that’s enough, we would like to provide good benefits and comfortable working environments.
2. People search for opportunities, it is natural if they find other opportunities and go for it, I will do the same

Emotion Post
Anxious 10%

Cope
1. Prepare with routine about how to periodically probe and talk with each team to know their condition
2. Provide incentives scheme for current and benefit package for blocking resignation  (ownership, bonus)